How to Drink Like a Normal Man

I had a beer and then another one.  Then I decided to have a snort of meth.  And then I went up to my room to lie down and relax.  But somehow I ended up on the computer, and someone messaged me and told me to turn off the lights and grease myself up.  And leave the front door open.  In my inebriated state I followed their directions.

OK, so what’s the problem?

What’s the problem?  The problem is that I had unprotected sex with a total stranger!  That’s disgusting not to mention very risky!

They didn’t use a condom?

I don’t know.  I left one out, but the package was unopened after they left.  I doubt it.

Well why didn’t you check?  Why didn’t you ask?

Because I was drunk!  I was high on meth!  I wasn’t in the state of mind to be asking name rank and serial number.  I barely remember the situation.  I feel horrible about it.

Well then if taking meth is so dangerous, maybe you shouldn’t do it.

I know I shouldn’t do it.  I didn’t intend to do it.  It just happened.  I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.  I’m not addicted to it.  It’s not like I go around craving it all the time.  But when I get drunk, it just happens.

Why did you get drunk?

Well I didn’t intend to get drunk.  I just wanted to have a drink.  As is the right of any man when he gets home from work.  To help me relax.  Just one drink.  Maybe two.  Not a big deal.

Then what happened?

Well then I guess I had a few more than I intended.  I find that when I start drinking sometimes I can’t seem to stop.

Why can’t you stop?

I think it’s an allergy.  That’s what they explained at AA.  As soon as you get the taste of alcohol on your tongue, your body responds with an allergic craving.  That’s why you often crave what you’re allergic to.  It’s a well known medical fact.

Oh, I wasn’t familiar with that.  But you know, the Big Book was written 80 years ago.  Perhaps some of the medical facts are out of date.

Perhaps.  But AA definitely works.  Just go to a meeting and see for yourself.  It’s a roomful of guys who had addictions so severe that some of them almost died, and now they help other guys like me understand and overcome their addictions.  They have attained power over their cravings.  The exact medical process doesn’t matter to me.

OK then,  Why did you have the first drink, knowing that it could inflame an allergy that triggered cravings that would lead to unsafe sex?

Well I certainly didn’t think it would lead to unsafe sex!  Anyway like I just said, that is my right as a man, to have a drink.  Is it not?  Besides, I wanted to try out a new strategy: I kept only 2 beers in the fridge and the rest in the basement.  I figured I wouldn’t want warm beer.  After all, who likes warm beer?

No one likes warm beer.  Then what happened?

Well, I’m not sure exactly.  But I had more than 2 empty cans the next day.  I don’t think that strategy worked.

What else have you tried?

My sponsor suggested ‘near beer’, since that works really well for some people.  But that didn’t seem to trigger the allergy.

So that was a success?

Yes, that worked great.  Then I thought, the problem must be solved, so I discussed it with my sponsor, and he suggested that I try ‘controlled drinking’ with regular beer just to make sure.  And I was actually fine for a while, so I figured everything was fine.

Then what happened?

Well, then suddenly one day the same thing happened.  Though this time I woke up naked at the bathhouse.  Several used condoms around me.

Well that’s good, right?  I mean at least they used condoms.

Well not really.  After going to the bathroom it was obvious that some of them didn’t.

OK sorry to hear that.  I hope you’re ok.  So you went back to near beer?

No, I already tried that, like I said.  I wanted to try some other things.  I tried hiding the beer in the closet, thinking that I would forget where I put it when I was drunk.  That didn’t work.  I tried burying it in the backyard.  I tried pouring it into a bucket and mixing it with my own pee.  But still no matter what – when I woke up the next day, it was gone.  NOTHING seemed to work and I tried EVERYTHING.

Well have you tried having sex without getting drunk?

Yes of course.  My girlfriend and I perform sex on a regular basis.  Why do you ask?

Ah, I see.  Well then perhaps you should recognize that you simply cannot drink like a normal man.  Don’t buy beer, and don’t drink it when you go out.  That way you won’t drink too much.

Ah.  Right.  I should just avoid beer entirely.  Perhaps I should try whiskey.


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11 thoughts on “How to Drink Like a Normal Man”

  1. That was dumb! Why don’t people ask for help if they really need it? Some problems and situations like this needs to be in an inpatient treatment in an Addiction Care Treatment Program. We should be careful and think twice on the decisions that we will make, not just because you feel like doing it. Life is valuable, not just a thing we can waste anytime we want.

  2. If anyone showing signs of trouble with alcohol can do the right about thing and drink like a gentleman our hats are off to him

  3. I love this site…so funny. I have been with the fellowship for a few 24 and have gained a sense of humor …and sometimes a lack of paranoia. Some people seem to think they do not need community support ….well ” take what you need and leave the rest”…i have a much better life and do not need straw men (exemplifying dumb ass shit) prop up to explain the short comings around the fellowship…the Socratic questioning works for me. Thanks Shaka

  4. More pure fantasy from a lying loser.
    Wow, hope you are impresses with your creative writing skills…nobody else is…
    You have a nasty mind and are simply a good example of the sewer level writing and thought in the blogosphere.
    Don’t quit your day job.

      1. No, a true “tabula rasa” would not been preloaded with the creative writing you foist on the world.
        I tried just about every method I have heard others describe. Simply not going to share them for you to distort.
        This is my truth. I could not stop drinking and drugging until I could accept help. Addiction and alcoholism are real. Whatever description is accepted. Call it habituation, allergy…I really don’t care. In my heart, from my own experience, I know this…
        As part of this I had to accept I didn’t know everything. You should try it…

      2. In my heart I know this: You brainwashed someone into powerlessness and then they died.

        I also know that you can be forgiven. That is my truth.

      3. As usual, any reply from you is twisted, irrational and childish.
        Get some professional help.

      4. And more specifically:
        I was speaking from my own experience. That is what I know.
        You were trying, in an outrageously stupid fashion, to speak about me, a subject you know nothing about.
        So, once again for your edification, and in a way possibly even you will understand: When you try to speak authoritatively about stuff you have no experience of, you just come off sounding like an arrogant asshole.
        That is what I know about you!!

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